On the Contrary

“I got an F today,” thought Vivian as she wandered down the pathways of the campus.

It was her first failing grade that she had received all year at Enchiridion High School, and she knew that without a doubt that it was the end of her world as she knew it. 

She did not question this thought- her existence would be completely, utterly, and profoundly obliterated in a flash by the combined efforts of her teachers, parents, and friends. From when she started first grade, Vivian had been taught by just about everyone she knew that her entire life depended on her ability to learn and do well in school. Each year, her parents would pressure her more and more about doing well in her academic classes, and constantly asked to take a look at the progress reports from her teachers. Sometimes, she refused, but that resistance would be futile and often lead to strict lectures on telling the truth and putting your priorities in order. It was as if she was climbing a never-ending staircase, and as she trudged up each step, her legs got a little heavier and her back was weighted down with the burdens and responsibilities that came with celebrating a birthday.

It was hard to believe that recently Vivian had been feeling much more relaxed than usual. She had only been at Enchiridion High for about five months and was starting to like the place very much. The schedule wasn't too bad, her teachers were friendly and seemed like they cared about the students, and she never felt like she wanted to brutally massacre anyone yet, so as far as she was concerned, things were a lot better than her past schools. Her situation was a rather confusing one, as she had moved from Seattle via a cross country trip with her parents through the Midwestern part of the United States. She sometimes wondered about the reason that they didn’t simply book a flight and get it over with, though she suspected that it all chalked up to the fact that her parents thought that perhaps they were doing something wrong and their girl needed to go outside and see the country more. The truth of the matter was that Vivian had seen more of the country than she ever wanted to see in those few days spent chugging through the middle of scenic nowhere-land and was now quite content with the forests of the northeastern region. In fact, the natural beauty of her neighborhood was one of the reasons she hadn’t given up on life completely.

Vivian walked towards the cafeteria in a confused daze, her mind still reeling from what she had seen last period. Her entire outlook on her new life had completely changed once her Math teacher finally gave in to her inquisitive begging about what her grade average was for this year in his class. Glaring at her from the computer screen were all her faults and mistakes, summed up in one haunting letter and plainly stated on the sheet in bold. Unsure of what to say to her teacher, Vivian just stood there staring at it for several minutes until her teacher asked if she would like to meet later and discuss what she could do to improve this turnout, to which she muttered an agreement and an apology and walked out of the room instantly forgetting everything at once except that one gray bolded letter on the screen. It was the thing she had tried to escape time and time again, and even when she was almost certain that failure was behind her, away in another state entirely, it had returned to bite her once again.

Vivian decided that she simply couldn’t afford to stay in this state of mind any longer, and so came to the conclusion that she had to escape it all. Exactly how, she couldn’t possibly say, but she had lost her rationality and had to resort to only what her gut was telling her to do, and that was break free of all constraints. She had no reason to stay. She had no real friends (besides the ones that she would often converse with in her mind), she didn’t care whether her parents loved her or not, and she was quite certain that any love that she had for her school and its community had pretty much been obliterated. In fact, realized Vivian, she had no emotional attachment to anything anymore. Her relentless desire to pass through the school year and get perfect test grades, egged on by advice from her parents, had sucked out all traces of a personality and had left a hollow shell, a raw form of fact-memorizing energy consuming flesh. Vivian, quite suddenly and quickly, realized this and had now decided to empty herself of it forever.

Vivian ate in the cafeteria as she normally would, and no one paid her much attention. After all, she was just a girl, a fellow student, a normal person out of them all, and there was no reason for anyone to go up and give her an encouraging pat on the shoulder, or even to say a causal “Good luck escaping society, Vivi,” because no one could possibly guess that this was a person who had been pushed to that extreme. Vivian never told anyone about her problems. She never really had any reason to confide in any other human being. She preferred talking to creatures who truly understood her, like her pet dog, who she suddenly realized that she would miss quite a lot if she had to leave her forever. This feeling was short lived, however, as Vivian suddenly realized that domestication was something that she was trying to escape from, and her dog would only remind her of the fact that she was tied on to a leash no matter what she did.

She finished her pasta, put away her plates and utensils, and carefully emptied her plate in the garbage (as she was the kind of person who always scraped every last morsel of food of the plate before leaving), walked through the door and back to her locker. She always made sure to pack her backpack with almost everything she thought was essential to her needs, and her little brother used to joke about how if she were kicked out of the family, it would be okay, because she would have everything she would need to survive on her own. As Vivian packed everything back up in her backpack with great care, she thought to herself how ironic it was that his statement was about to come true very soon, and laughed to herself, but it was a joyless laugh.

She took one more look at the campus around her. She ran towards the soccer field, past the old goal posts, through the swings and the old tree where the lovers used to carve their names without a care in the world, and down the path towards the forest area that almost completely surrounded Enchiridion High. Nobody noticed her leave, not because Vivian was diligent enough to sneak around and not get caught, but because not many people could be bothered to follow her.

Eventually, Vivian finally made it inside the woods, but she did not stop just yet. She wanted to get as far away as possible from every single thing that she was once attached too, even if it meant walked all the way to the next town. Her bag was starting to feel heavier, but that didn’t matter too much.

Vivian looked out at the landscape that surrounded her, and reflected on how beautiful it all was. The calming breeze that passed through her long hair urged her along, as if to gently encourage her not to be afraid. The few animals that lived in the trees sent out their daily messages, and the leaves crinkled underneath her feet. Nothing else really mattered to Vivian except being in the moment, living in the now, taking in all that this forest had to offer.

Vivian reached a clearing where the sun poured down through the trees, and the clouds opened up before her so that she could clearly focus. She closed her eyes and decided that she was not going to open them until tomorrow, when she would venture deeper into the forest and find something to eat. Unfortunately, the moment she decided to clear her mind, the worries started coming back. When will her family find out that she was gone? What would their reaction be? Would anyone bother to send out a rescue party? How easy is it to hunt for food when you don’t even have anything to hunt with? There were so many questions that raced through her mind that Vivian suddenly realized that she had absolutely no answers too, and she began to have another anxiety attack. The leaves were falling down with a greater intensity than before, and the wind was blowing fiercer and fiercer with every second.

When she finally went to sleep, her dreams were not as relaxed as she had thought they would be. First, she tried counting sheep in her mind, but soon they transformed into a giant flock that ran into her with great force, carrying her off the path and making her lose her balance and fall. As she got up, she saw that two of these sheep looked very much like her parents, and then she realized that every single one of these sheep resembled one of the people she knew from school. She tried to talk to them, convince them that she didn’t leave her home because it was their fault, because it was really hers and that all she wanted to do was break away from the restraints that had kept her down all these years. 

They couldn’t understand her. They weren’t like her. They were all the same kind of person and she was not.

That is when Vivian woke up with a start, and looked around frantically; she had forgotten where she was for a second, and it was frightening to not wake up in her own bed. She huddled in a shivering daze for a couple minutes while the cold blue moon poured over her.

Suddenly, Vivian realized that she was being watched. She saw another person, a boy, perhaps a few years younger than her, standing farther along the pathway. He was watching her with an intensity that no other human ever had before, and while Vivian was slightly intimidated by this newcomer, she was also intrigued. She got up and slowly approached him.

“Who are you?” Vivian shouted to him. “Have you been following me?”

The boy stood silent for a second, and then he answered in a deep voice. “You’re trespassing. This is my land.”

“What are you talking about? Do you live here?”

“Yes, for several days I have. This place is all mine, everything here belongs to me because I discovered it.”

“That’s so unfair! Why does it all have to be yours?”

“Because I said so, that’s why. I discovered it, so it’s all mine.”

“So that means I have to leave?”

“Yes.”

“Well, why do you want this place so badly, huh?” Vivian said, her voice getting louder and louder. “What’s so special about you that you need to have every single part of the forest?”

“I left my society,” replied the boy. “I was pushed around one time too many, and now I am here. Nothing is left. My only concern is for myself. All others do not matter.”

“That isn’t true at all!” Vivian pushed him out of the way and ran as fast as her feet could carry her. She ran away from this boy and his delusional thoughts of grandeur. To think that being imprisoned in oneself is even worse than being imprisoned by others… the thought was like poison to Vivian’s ears. It was not until the small clearing was out of her eyesight completely when she understood that she was lost in this forest. She no longer cared about her meaningless quest for solitude, for in that single moment she realized that she did care about things, and she did have emotions, and one of them was fear.

The visions swirled around her. The realizations came quickly.

Vivian thought of the never-ending cycle of frustration and denial. She grew more scared. She held on to a tree. She prayed that someone would find her before it was too late. She wanted someone, anyone, to wake her from this mad dream. Vivian didn’t care about numbers and grades anymore. All she wanted was a comforting embrace from someone she loved. 

She thought to herself through the insanity and the unclear sense of direction that in the grand scheme of things, we grow old and we live life and not much consequence would come from making one mistake. Vivian was too young to die; she wanted a life without any regrets. 

She just had to hold on…

Vivian was found a few days later camping out under a bridge next to a local waterway.

 She was filthy, of course, and the observers that passed her by as she walked back to the police station saw a tired, ragged and pathetic soul, who obviously had no place among civilized people such as themselves. The strange thing, though, was that when Vivian looked back at them, she saw the exact same thing.

In fact, unbeknownst to the eyes of the people, it was Vivian who had achieved a greater sense of the world and of place in it, and no amount of standardized testing could even hope to change that again.